Attachment styles are a hot topic in the world of relationships and personal growth. The idea of categorizing our patterns of connection as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized is appealing—almost as though once you name it, you can fix it and quickly graduate to healthy attachment. However, through my years of working with clients, I’ve found that attachment is much more nuanced than these categories suggest.
We’re not locked into one attachment style for life. Instead, we often move fluidly between them depending on the relationships we’re in and the circumstances we face. For example, you might feel securely attached to your partner one day, but after a conflict or misunderstanding, you might find yourself slipping into anxious attachment—doubting whether they love you or feeling an intense need for reassurance.
Let’s break down what these attachment styles often look like:
Secure Attachment: People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to depend on others while also allowing others to depend on them. They have a balanced view of themselves and their relationships, often stemming from a history of consistent and responsive caregiving.
Anxious Attachment: You may feel lovable, but you doubt whether others can or will love you back. This can manifest in seeking constant reassurance or overanalyzing interactions for signs of rejection. Anxious individuals may also fear abandonment and often struggle with insecurity in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: You may believe that others can love you, but you feel unworthy of love yourself. This can lead to pulling away, creating distance, or avoiding vulnerability. Avoidant individuals might suppress their emotional needs and prioritize independence to avoid the risk of rejection.
Disorganized Attachment: This can be the most challenging style to work with, as it combines the fears of both anxious and avoidant styles. You might feel unworthy of love while simultaneously doubting that others can or will love you. This style often stems from trauma or inconsistent caregiving and can result in conflicting behaviors—desiring closeness while pushing it away.
These shifts can feel like a roller coaster, impacting your relationships in significant ways. For instance, you might feel securely connected to a best friend one week, but after a disagreement or period of distance, you start avoiding them. Alternatively, you might feel close and stable with a family member, but then notice yourself slipping into anxious behaviors, such as seeking excessive reassurance about the relationship.
Understanding your patterns of attachment can help you navigate these fluctuations more effectively. In our work together, we can map out your relational dynamics using tools like a genogram to explore your family connections or diagrams to assess your friendships. This process can provide clarity on how your attachment styles play out in different relationships.
From there, we’ll focus on strengthening three key areas:
1. Attachment to Yourself: Developing self-compassion and recognizing your inherent worthiness of love. When you believe in your own value and treat yourself with kindness, you’re less likely to rely on external validation to feel secure. This internal stability creates a foundation for healthier, more balanced relationships.
i. Building self-awareness can help you recognize triggers and patterns that pull you into insecure attachment styles.
ii. Practicing self-care and setting boundaries reinforce your sense of self-worth, allowing you to approach relationships with confidence and authenticity.
iii. Developing a positive inner dialogue helps reduce the fear of rejection or abandonment, enabling more open and trusting connections with others.
2. Attachment to a Higher Power or Spiritual Sense of Connection: If this aligns with your beliefs, we can explore how a spiritual connection might support your sense of belonging and stability. Many find that a sense of connection to something greater than themselves provides comfort, perspective, and resilience during relational challenges. Additionally, healing a traumatic spiritual connection or finding peace with your relationship to a higher power can be transformative. For some, past experiences may have created fear, distrust, or a sense of abandonment in their spiritual lives. Working through these wounds can help rebuild trust and foster a deeper sense of security and love.
3. Attachment to Others: Building healthier, more secure relationships with the important people in your life. Strengthening your attachment to yourself often allows you to:
i. Communicate your needs and feelings more effectively, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.
ii. Approach relationships with greater empathy and patience, recognizing that others also have their own attachment styles and histories.
iii. Create mutual trust and respect, as you’re less likely to project insecurities onto your relationships.
One powerful method for addressing attachment-related challenges is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. EMDR Therapy can help uncover the roots of your attachment patterns and resolve the experiences that trigger shifts into anxious, avoidant, or disorganized styles. By processing these memories and beliefs, you can begin to experience more stability and security in your relationships.
Another powerful method for addressing these issues is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. ACT focuses on helping individuals develop psychological flexibility—the ability to stay present in the moment and align actions with core values, even in the face of emotional pain or challenges. By embracing rather than avoiding difficult feelings, ACT empowers you to make choices that foster secure and meaningful connections. It can also help you identify and let go of unhelpful attachment-related thoughts, creating space for healthier relational patterns to emerge.
If you’ve been feeling stuck or unsure about your patterns of connection, know that healing and growth are possible. Together, we can work toward understanding your unique attachment landscape and fostering the meaningful, secure relationships you deserve.
Please reach out today to schedule a consultation or appointment.
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